Snape, A SemiTrue Story
by Stormy Snape
Summary: A series of Snape one-shots featuring different versions of Snape. For the Humorous only.
1. Chapter 1

To start things off, I would like to state that no Snapes were hurt in the making of this film. The chapters to follow may cause a sudden loss of blood pressure, increased heart rate, congestion, headaches, nose bleeds, constipation, loss of consciousness, erectile dysfunction, muscle spasms, frequent urination, cramps, sneezing, ear infections, sore throat and loud coughing. You have been warned.

Chapter 1: Broadway Musical

It was a fine day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, Severus was waving a razor blade around, students were eating their breakfast. The only thing is my Gryffindors all seem to be scared, the Hufflepuffs are all huddled in the corner, I wonder why this is happening.

...wait a minute... Severus was waving a razor blade around?!?!?!?!

"I had him! His throat was bare beneath my hand. No, I had him! His throat was there and he'll never come again !"

Oh my! He wasn't wearing his robes. Thankfully he was wearing clothes; grey pants, a white shirt, and a dark vest. But his hair! He had it all spiked up and there were flashes of white in it. He was scruffy though. I must act before he hurts a student or himself for that matter.

"Severus calm down, its all right. No need to hurt anyone."

"Why did I wait? You told me to wait - Now he'll never come again."

"Severus... you're singing." He's not bad either, but still, Severus Tobias Snape is singing. There is something wrong.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it. But not for long... "

Oh no! He's on Ravenclaw table, why did Albus have to take this week off?

"They all deserve to die. Tell you why, MacGonnagal, tell you why. Because in all of the whole human race, MacGonnagal, there are two kinds of men and only two. There's the one staying put in his proper place, and the one with his foot in the other one's face. Look at me, MacGonnagal, look at you."

This is too much, I need backup. Where are those dunderhead teachers when you need them?

"No, we all deserve to die, even you, MacGonnagal, even I. Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief for the rest of us death will be a relief. We all deserve to die."

He's seems to be singing to me. Could this day get any worse? Why did I get up this morning? Severus jumped down from the Ravenclaw table, kneeling between it and the Gryffindor table, facing me.

"And I'll never see Johanna, no I'll never hug my girl to me – finished!"

He paused, I stared at him stunned; he looked so defeated. Then a spark of determination lit in his eyes and a feral grin appeared upon his face as he rose to stand again.

"Alright! You sir, you sir, _how about a shave_? Come and visit your good friend Severus. You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave."

He swung around from Ravenclaw to Gryffindor males, pointing at them with his silver straight razor blade.

"I will have vengenance. I will have salvation. Who sir, you sir? No ones in the chair, come on! Come on! Severus is waiting. _I want you bleeders._ You sir! Anybody! Gentlemen now don't be shy!"

Severus raked one hand through his hair, making it spike up more. I really do need to get that camera fixed, this would be golden blackmail material.

"Not one man, no, nor ten men. Nor a hundred can assuage me. I will have you!"

Poor Ronald Weasley, a child should not have to go through this. I doubt he will be able to look at Severus again, not that he could in the first place.

" And I will get him back even as he gloats, in the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats."

Stalking over the Ravenclaw table to point his blade at Malfoy's throat, Severus made the boy faint.

"And my Lucy lies in ashes, and I'll never see my girl again. But the work waits! I'm alive at last! And I'm full of joy!"

... He stopped, I don't know if this is a good thing. I know it can't get any worse. He blinked and turned to face me.

"Minerva, where is Lupin? He said he was coming by today, I need to test him."

I just stared at him, I could not speak, and it was only breakfast.

"Fine. If you see the mongrel, tell him that I'm in my office." His last words before he turned to walk out. Unfortunatly that was when the doors flew open to reveal a haggard looking Remus Lupin.

"Minerva, where is Severus?" he gasped out.

I pointed to the wild haired Severus, whose hair was now short and spiky. He wore a t-shirt, blue jeans and oddly enough, glasses.

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around, if you've got no place to go when you're feeling down."

When Severus began to sing again, all of the students tried to bolt out of the Great Hall. However, while Severus seems to be under a spell, he can still seal the Great Hall doors. I groaned, because this meant that no one on the outside could get in, leaving me to deal with this mess.

"If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and it ain't no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me. Take a chance on me. We can go dancing."

He's singing to Remus! He was doing this weird hip swaying dance towards Remus.

"... what?!"

"As long as we're together. Listen to some music."

"You said we had to talk." Remus is getting the torture not me, I am so happy!

"You'd get to know me better." Severus' facial expressions would be funny, if he wasn't stalking some one.

"You said that you had test to run, we'd better get started right? In your lab?"

"You want me to leave it there."

"Severus, I'm afraid."

"But I think you know, that I can't let go." Severus placed a hand on Remus' shoulder.

Remus looked petrified, like he just ran into a Basilisk. Snape stared at him. Ripped his hand away.

"What do you think your doing Lupin? I need to have those tests done by today. Let's go."

Remus looked to me, I shook my head and held my hands up. Just then the doors flew open again to reveal the rest of the teachers and Mad Eye Moody. What is he doing here?

"Where is Albus?" Moody asked me. I waited, I knew something was going to happen... and it did. "Severus, at last, we see each other plain, `M'sieur le Snape,' you'll wear a different chain!" However this is not what I had expected, Moody singing to Severus.

"Before you say another word, Moody, before you chain me up like a slave again. Listen to me! There is something I must do. This woman leaves behind a suffering child." He pointed to a random female student. "There is none but me who can intercede, in Merlin's name, three days are all I need. Then I'll return, I pledge my word. Then I'll return..."

"You must think me mad! I've hunted you across the years, a man like you can never change, a man such as you."

I would have never thought Moody could sing. They were facing each other, obviously angry and singing at each other, it was quite a sight. I signalled Mr. Creevy to take pictures, why didn't I think of that before?

"Believe of me what you will, there is a duty that I'm sworn to do. You know nothing of my life, all I did was steal some bread. You know nothing of the world, you would sooner see me dead, but not before I see this justice done. I am warning you Moody, I'm a stronger man by far there is power in me yet, my race is not yet run. I am warning you Moody, there is nothing I won't dare if I have to kill you here, I'll do what must be done!"

"Men like you can never change, Men like you can never change. No. 24601. My duty's to the law - you have no rights, come with me 24601. Now the wheel has turned around, Severus Snape is nothing now. Dare you talk to me of crime and the price you had to pay. Every man is born in sin, every man must choose his way. You know nothing of Moody; I was born inside a jail, I was born with scum like you, I am from the gutter too!"

They sang together, but against each other, like a duet but not. It was rather interesting to hear, if not a tad scary. Severus pulled out his wand and threatened Moody.

"And this I swear to you tonight." Severus was looking at the female student that, according to the song, had a child.

"There is no place for you to hide." Moody.

"Your child will live within my care." Snape.

"Wherever you may hide away." Moody.

"And I will raise her to the light." Snape.

"I swear to you, I will be there!" Moody and Snape.

I believe this was a tie. Until Severus did the unthinkable.

"Stupefy!" ~thud~ Great, now I have to deal with a singing Severus, a petrified Remus, a urinated Weasley, a second year with a child that Severus is going to take care of, and a unconscious Malfoy and Moody. It is not a good day.

Sybil, with her ginormous glasses pulled out a pair of tweezers, when a thought came to me. Every time someone had entered the Great Hall Severus began to sing, I could take advantage of this.

"With my _Mystical Uber–Powerful Instrument with the Utmost Divination Ability_ I will stop this carnage."

I was about to grab the tweezers when Severus got in front of me and snatched them out of her hand.

"Kill you all with my tweezers! Kill you all right here! Kill you all with my tweezers! Yes you've got a lot to fear! Rrraaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!"

... Damn that man! I was going to do it. Anyway, he did do it correctly, all the teachers and students ran away as fast as they could with a simple jab of a pair of tweezers. He turned back to me; we were the only ones left in the Great Hall, besides Moody but he doesn't count. He smiled, pocketed the tweezers and leaned towards me.

"Happy Birthday Minerva." He placed a kiss on my cheek, turned with a whoosh of his robes and left.

I stared at his retreating back, and all I could think was that I had awesome friends.

~terminus~

a/n: The first song is _Epiphany_ by _Stephen Sondheim_ from the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack, 2007. The Second is _Take A Chance On Me_ by _Abba_ from the Mamma Mia! Soundtrack, 2008. The Third is _Confrontation_ by The Original London Cast of Les Miserables Soundtrack, 2004. The Last is from a video done by MissBroadwayDork entitled "_MissBroadwayDork's Application For The Evil League of Evil!!"_.

And no this is not SS/MM, it is merely a birthday present from Severus to Minerva.

AND Snape did NOT impregnate any second year as that would be nasty, its just what the song said.


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings are on chapter one.

* * *

Chapter 2: Flobberworm

School was starting again, all of the _children_ have returned. They are already planning ways to make my life worse, I know they are, the way they look at me; it's in their eyes. But me and my lovely have a plan for this year; this year we are one step ahead of those treacherous creatures known as students. And we will have the help of the master this year.

"Yes, my beautiful, we will have Snape this year." I chuckled as I stroked my beloved. "He will help us catch all of them, my love, they will be ours to do with what we want. That will be our reward for our years of service."

I stood from my chair, I walked over to my coat rack and pulled off my best. I returned to my desk to retrieve my oil lamp.

"My love, we must be going now; the time is near."

We walked out of our office and into the corridors where our prize is hidden. My love and I made our way into the depths of the castle, where the _darlings_ usually hide in pairs... doing the nasty. Disgusting creatures they are.

I heard a rustle of clothing near Snape's private laboratory. I shone the light in the direction of the sound, there was nothing there.

"Heh, nothing but the wind, my lovely." I consoled my partner.

We continued our progress up though the castle, we visited one of the most favoured places: the closet on the left side of the third floor.

I dimmed the lamp, my lovely ran ahead. She turned after she peered into the closet, her eyes glowing. The rascals didn't even close the door, none of them can think anymore. I walked closer and reached out to open the door completely.

Wow! I didn't know a body could do that. It was that famous Krumble boy and that nervous lump, who apparently grew out of the lump, Squarebottom or something. They stopped their _activity_ and stared at me in shock.

"Well look what we found here." Squarebottom looked as tho he was going to cry, at least the Krumble boy had enough sense to put his pants back on and shove the other pair at Squarebottom. "To the Headmaster's office with the two of you." They came out of the closet and began their way to the Headmaster's office with little protest; ass-kissers.

"Jolly Ranchers." The Headmaster, while a great respectable man, was a little off his rocker. Can't blame him though, he is well over a hundred. The Gargoyle jumped out of the way and I followed them up the stairs into the bright office.

"Yes, Mr. Filch? What have these students done?"

"I found them in the Third Floor Closet doing some nasty activities." I sneered at the silver haired man. He looked amused.

"Yes, well, I will deal with it, Mr. Filch. You may go."

I nodded, I didn't want to be around them any longer, they smelled.

I made my way back down to the corridor where my lovely found me. She seemed in a bit of a panic; trouble is afoot.

"Where are they, my beautiful? Take me to the trouble makers."

She ran down the staircase, I followed. It was the land of the Snakes, they are usually either to smart or too stupid to be out at this time. She ran to Snape's private laboratory, but not in.

--------------

I will never forget what I saw when I opened the door.

--------------

Severus Tobias Snape was playing with a flobberworm. It was on a leash and he was singing to it.

"_Flobberworm, Flobberworm. How I love thee! _

_I can not imagine my life without you. You were always there for me._

_You light up my day, every time I look in your eyes I see caring._

_Unadulterated caring. You are the only one to put up with my swearing."_

I couldn't stand it for any longer, I opened the door completely and walked in.

"What the hell are you doing Snape?!?!?!"

The shock on his face was comical to say the least. My lovely was laughing a hairball up.

"Filch! What are you doing here? This is my private laboratory, you have no right to barge in. I could have been working on an experimental potion and you could have just blown up the entire castle with your foolish actions." He said rushed as he hid his flobberworm beneath his desk.

"Answer my question, man. What are you doing?"

He looked flustered. "Um, nothing you need to worry about Filch. Why are you here anyways? Trying to steal Ji... I mean a potion for your own purposes?"

I stared at him in wonder, he was supposed to be our help in catching the evil doers of the school. And here he was with a flobberworm. The outrage, but I don't think that others in the Potions community would be happy to hear about this.

I shook my head. "No, I was hearing this awful noise. I came to check it out, see if any rascals were out making the racket."

"Well you seem to be mistaken in your search, please leave now." He seemed panicked.

I glared at him, no one tells me to leave and gets away with it.

"I'll tell them you know." He stopped moving papers on his desk and looked straight at me. "I'll tell the League of Extraordinary Potionmen, and you'll be thrown out for insanity."

He smiled as he pulled out something from a desk drawer. The next thing I know, I was laying on the cold floor. I could hear some strange squelching noises, then...

"Suck it up Jimmy, we're going to India."

And I was no more.

* * *

Yes, I killed of Filch. Isn't everyone happy? And there are some pretty obvious references to awesome movies and tv shows. Just for fun of course to see if anyone's actually reading this. Until next time.


End file.
